Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
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I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
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Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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