I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
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You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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