So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
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A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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