Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
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I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Floor bacon is actually really good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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