It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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