Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
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We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
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You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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