Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
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LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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