I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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