I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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