hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
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she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
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There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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