The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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