Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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