We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
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She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
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Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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