I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize