I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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