I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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