I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
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i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
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Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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