It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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