my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
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We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
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Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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