I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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