tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
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Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
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Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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