I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
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whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
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And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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