Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
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There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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