i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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