i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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