you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
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good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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