I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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