Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize