I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize