I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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