He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
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There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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