Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
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Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
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The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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