Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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