We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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