I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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