yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
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Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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