My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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