My Higher Power is John Stamos
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
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She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
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I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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