i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pole danced in your parka.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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