And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
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I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
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You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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