You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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