I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
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Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
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The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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