he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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