i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
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That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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