just tell him i said nine months
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
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A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
try to milk me bitch
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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