i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
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she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
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Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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