hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
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aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
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This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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