my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
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My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
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You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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