Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
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its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
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A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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