I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
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I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
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Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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